Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
