I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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