You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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