I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
