I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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