Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
