Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
