Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize