and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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