Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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