We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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