sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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