i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
