i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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