it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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