You just made me feel so damn special
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
