I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
