if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
