Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
there is puke in my bra ... again
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
