Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
