I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
