I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We have so much sex to catch up on
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
