Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
