I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
