Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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