You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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