I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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