remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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