sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Randomize
