He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
