I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
