I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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