You smell like a Billy Joel song
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
