If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
