Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
