I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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