I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
