if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
