So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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