I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
