did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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