I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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