Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Sext me about skeletons
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
