Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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