Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
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