new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
