So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
