wakey wakey hands off snakey
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
