btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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