I think I can smell my own vagina right now
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
