I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Someone came in the potted fern
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
