That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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