I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
