I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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