i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
