I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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