You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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