Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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