She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
